The View From My Fishbowl

I have 3 brothers – 2 older and 1 younger – so I have a bit of experience with this topic. Of course, family dynamics will change from house to house, so do keep that in mind. For instance, I know that some families don’t tease – nada, zip, nilch. We, however, tease a LOT. Probably a little too much. So that, of course, tempers my opinions and reactions.

Katina asked on this post, “So, I am wondering your perspective on brothers being that you had only brothers. How was/is that? We only had one boy in my family and now I have three sons. I am always on the lookout for more information on what I am (and Sophia) to expect as I have no idea. Do you get used to their teasing? Do you mind being surrounded by 7 guys in Botswana? Is that easy for you because you had brothers? What advantages/disadvantages do you think you have because of having only brothers. What is most important for Sophia to do to suceed with all her brothers!?”

As I started to answer Katina, I realized that my comment was turning rather wordy, so I summarized a quick idea and promised a later post. Here it is.

First of all, to answer the questions simply: Yes, you get used to teasing; I don’t mind being here with 7 guys, it is easy for me (probably easier than with 7 girls); there are lots of advantages to having only brothers (and a few disadvantages perhaps – but I have a hard time seeing them); and the best thing to succeed with brothers is as follows.

DO learn to deal with teasing.

Teasing is how brothers show affection. Brothers generally have a hard time coming right out and saying a compliment or a rebuke of any sort, so they tease. They tease to tell us we are doing a good job; they tease to politely ask us to change something.

If your family teases a lot, you will get used to the teasing. Don’t take things too seriously or personally. You learn to make your own comebacks and tease yourself. Of course, as boys are growing up they need to learn what is appropriate in teasing, and what is ‘too much’ and sisters can give them invaluable learning opportunities (as they run away in tears). I quickly learned that running away in tears only got more teasing for me, but my brothers soon learned when I was really upset by something they said.

So when boys tease, there are several responses. A sister can fight back, but the day will come (soon enough) when the brother will be stronger. A sister can lash back with her words, and it has been my experience that girls are much better in the verbal department and soon learn to cut down brothers to nothing but a tiny speck on the floor. This however, is certainly not the response that God would want us to have, and usually just makes a brother very mad. Light teasing back is good…a bit of verbal sparring as it were…but sisters soon find that they can never win that way and things can quickly get out of control to land in the first two categories. The third response is to just be silent.

DO learn to hold your tongue.

Silence….ah, that is the sister’s best tool. To pretend you don’t even hear the comment in the first place, or to simply smile and walk away…it lets all the air out of the remark, and brothers usually don’t know what to do next.

The Lord has had to teach me a lot about ’soft answers’ and ‘holding my peace.’ Boys (much like men) don’t want to be bested by a girl, and though a sister may find it necessary from time to time to use her literary gifts to put a brother (generally a younger brother who is teasing inappropriately) in his place, she is usually better off just holding her tongue and sweetly walking away.

When brothers are angry – hold your tongue. When brothers tease too much – hold your tongue. When brothers say stupid things – hold your tongue.

This brings us to the third thing I think all sisters should remember…

DO remember that you are training men.

Of course, the sister herself is not doing the training since that is the job of the parents, but there is much she can do to help, especially with younger brothers. It is easy as a younger sister to just defer to my older brothers – to trust their judgment, let them make decisions, to respect them as men. When it comes to younger brothers, however…that is where things get a little scary. For a big sister who is more mature and generally makes better decisions to trust a younger brother who has not yet proven his reliability…it can be a hard area to ‘let go’ of, especially if said older sister is used to being the second Mommy.

But one day these brothers will be leading their own families. There will come a day when they will have to be in charge and make decisions. As the big sister, I can know exactly what needs to be done and boss everyone else around, but that is only remedying the current situation and not building character. By deferring to my brother’s opinions and letting him make decisions, I am not only letting him get experience in leading, I’m also learning submission, even when the decisions wouldn’t be MY first choice.

DO be a girl.

Brothers don’t generally want a sister who is just like another brother. My parents never discouraged me from playing with my brothers, and we would run around with toy guns, build forts, dam up the creek, play with walkie-talkies, ride bikes. But my parents did encourage me in girly toys as well – most of my time playing ‘boy’ games were done with a baby doll strapped on my back, a bonnet on my head, or a basket on my arm with ‘gatherings’ for supper. I never really got into sports, and I think my brothers preferred it that way. Having two brothers older than me, there was never a time when I could wrestle them down, so we never really got into that. (I think my dad would have severely punished them should they have seriously tried to wrestle me anyway.) I was the girl, and my interests definitely ran a bit different than theirs did. We had lots of common interests and loved to spend time together, but there was definitely a difference in our pursuits.

Latest picture I have of the 4 of us – 2006? It’s been a while…

In my opinion, a sister that loves her brothers and loves to spend time with them can use these four things to make their relationship sweet. As my brothers and I are all older now, we still have very close relationships, being able to talk to each other about almost anything, and loving nothing more than to spend time together. We still love to tease as much as we ever did, and I have no problems respecting them and their opinions.

Do any of you sisters have any more suggestions to add?